4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
