I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
