I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
