i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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