Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
