i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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