I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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