i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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