If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
