this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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