I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
