is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
