threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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