he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
