You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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