Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
