i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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