Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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