rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
