sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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