I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
