Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
