Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
