im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
