I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
