yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My Higher Power is John Stamos
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
high people should be assigned attendants
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
