who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
