best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
