john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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