he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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