all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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