I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
