he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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