Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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