do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
