you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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