Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
