i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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