I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
