One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
