i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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