Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
