Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
