two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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