she woke up with a sticky ear
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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