I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
