I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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