batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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