you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
