She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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